Diary of a Sex-Starved Pseudo-Mennonite, Part 19

Today is the 1 year anniversary of my ex-husband's exit. It is also my brother's birthday. They are the same age and share the same birthday month. My ex is a big brother, too. His penchant for little sister torment remained sharp and automatic. His own little sister is not yet healed, loving him nonetheless but still nursing wounds. A Scorpio 2 years my senior, she has given up on romantic love altogether, aside from the occasional mailman fantasy (yes, he always delivers). Her relationship lore is The Texas Chainsaw Massacre to my The Exorcist. She's disabled, hysterectamied, never married, no kids, smoking (she refuses to stop doing it in secret even though everyone knows), taking pills, and napping daily at length while sewn into a little house with more furry creatures than the law allows. Like me, the current love of her life is Daisy.

A remarkable talent and torment of Pisces is our ability to feel something so deeply it becomes true, even if it isn't. Elizabeth Taylor was a Pisces. If you've seen her in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (or most anything, really), her performance is a grand display of Pisces emotional intensity and commitment. She was accused of being a diva, yet the accounts I've read suggest everyone who really knew her loved the shit out of her. Some twice (enter Richard Burton). Liz had it written into her contract for Cleopatra that she didn't have to shoot during her period. That is not a diva request if you are a Pisces. That is a loving gift of protection for cast and crew.

Einstein was a Pisces, too. He said, "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." I recently heard this quote extended in the movie The Secret: Dare to Dream, where the mysterious hero (full of glow) suggested whichever view you choose, you're right. So choose with intention. Katie Holmes plays the overtly negative hard luck female lead. In real life, she married her childhood heartthrob movie star crush. A miracle indeed. It didn't pan out. But I bet she still believes in miracles. Or she wouldn't have signed on to a movie promising scrutiny from those who sneer at soft flowy ideas like The Secret, those who throw tomatoes at love and hope.

There's nothing cuter than a pessimist trying to convince you they're a realist. I have tried to play that role. Now I think Oh you poor little bunny. Shrug off that hair shirt and lets cuddle. 

As big brothers do, my ex-husband liked to scare me. He was so good at it that I would scream and for a second, my heart would stop. So I asked him not to do it anymore. For the rest of the marriage he moped about this until I said he could scare me again. But he didn't. He preferred to keep this boundary active in his armory against me.

Pisces are natural scream queens. We can't help it. We feel that shit. I would also bet we are the sign most likely to be scared to death and to die of a broken heart.

But a year later, here I am. Unafraid. Alive and karate kickin.' Heartbreak is not your destiny. Unless you believe it is. I chose to believe I am chosen. By me. A lady-diety born to free my people from the cycle of fear and despondency and lost fortunes and harsh judgements and ego attachments and denial and desperation and self-sabotage and abuse. I'm the Second Sun and the Seventh Sun all in 1, Son. I've got Neptune and Jupiter for balls. Nuts so heavy I got a hernia. Balls hairier and more potent than the men who've failed to love me. Even if I don't heal my people, you're darn tootin' I'm gonna free myself. Should I waiver, it's too late. A genie this big don't fit back in a bottle.

Until Next Time, Sweeties!

Ness Sweet Ness